the only problem with knowing what you want, is that sometimes you don’t get it.
Filed under: Randon Thought
recently i’ve been a lot of thought energy in who I am becoming, who I’d like to become, who I want to be, where I’d like to be in 5 yrs 10 yrs (thats about a far as I can handle) and frankly, its exhausting.
So then I was thinking about when I was 6.
When I was 6 who did I want to be when I was 22?
What did I want to be when I grew up?
would my 6 year old self be ok with who I am at 22?
then I realized, when I was 6, I just enjoyed being 6, I might have speculated as far as 7. I didn’t even consider who I would be or wanted to be at 22.
so I think I’ll try to readopt that attitude, I mean, it got me to 22 right? it will probably get me through 30, 40, and beyond with significantly less stress than my current method.
my favorite part of a crush, the freefall before you realize you’re too far gone to save yourself, before you crash land. . . or who knows maybe for once, are caught
too soon to tell,
to soon to even know if i should classify it as a crush, but i am
to late to stop thinking about what i know about him (which isnt much but just so happens to be pretty great, especially the smile 
)
if you could have helped prevent someting from happening, bur didnt know you could, and didnt, does that mean its your fault if it happens, does that make you partially responsible?
i’m sorry.
i cant be everything to everyone which is why im just trying to be me. . .
Filed under: Randon Thought
so the last entry was an old one that i saved instead of posting. . .
right now i am feeling pretty awesome! its beautiful outside, and it has been all day
i went for a run tonight, and honestly it wasnt much to brag about but it was a run and i feel pretty good right now
there is all this positive energy surging through my being, and what is most wonderful about it, is that it has nothing to do w/ a guy
so ive put things in perspective
a picture is worth a thousand words, and the truth will set you free, and its not butterflies anymore, a tiny stomach sink but thats not even all that bad (and i realize that i am probalby the only person that statement makes sence to, but its my journal and i doubt that it applies to anyone who will read it)
hearing the perfect song at the perfect time also helped out:
I’m driving 95
And I’m driving you away
And I shine a little more lately
Someday love will find me in the rough
Someday love will finally be enough
Someday love will find me in the rough
Someday love will finally be enough
I shine a little more lately
~Anna Nalick
Filed under: Randon Thought
so its been a little bit since my trend of regular posting, here’s why, words have consequences, sometime good, sometimes bad, delayed. . .
the truth, ive updated a couple times, but decied not to post, believe it or not there are some things i dont want to go public with, these things include: anything related to a crush, deep mom realated stuff, and anger
here’s why, you never know who is reading and honestly im good enough with screwing things up on my own as far as guy girl relationships go that i dont need additional help from my blogging self conscience or others lol, sometimes i’ll illude to guy related stuff but not often. I think that I’ve been pretty open about Mom stuff, and i think that has been constructive for me, and maybe for my friends who just want to know whats goin on between my ears sometimes, but there is some stuff, well its personal, there’s stuff id tell my friends and family that i wouldnt tell an aquaintance, and there’s stuff i dont even tell my friends and family, so blogging isnt really a constructive fromat for that all the time. . . and anger, well cause frankly its ungly and most often unjustified, and sometimes i get irrational w/ anger and ew who wants to read that anyway?
so after break i was a little fryed up about acouple things and was easily set off
also been processing some Mom stuff, im growing up, i think she’d be happy w/ me
with mom, a lot of things hurt less, more things make me smile, but unexpected things hurt
and boys well. . .nevermind
in addition to all that i wrote above, i dont like it when my entries are negative and whiney, so sometimes i would preffer not to update over dwelling on the blah
so here’s some stuff i wrote down in my real paper bound jornal today
I was thinking about how often we have the oppotunity to recieve Christ; and how seldom we allow him to recieve us. . . only i htought this in 1st person so it was more like wow i have all these opportunities to recieve Christ, and he wants to recieve me but, i dont really let him very often. . . well that was sortof my thought pattern
God answers prayers in Yes’s No’s and Not Yets . . . this triggered a quote, are you ready!
“I beg you. . . to have patience with everythign unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search fo rthe answers, which could not begiven to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answers”
~Rainer Maria Rilke
Well it turns out that this quote happens to be from Letters to a Young Poet (great book, easy read, i recomend it) and while searching for it i found also this quote
“Works of art are of an infinite solitude, and no means of approach is as useless as chriticism. Only love can touch and hold them and be fair to them.”
this is now one of my favorite quotes
so ya we have an update!
Filed under: Randon Thought
so im looking back a year ago, thinking of who we liked, what we were caught up on, and then i think about where we are now, who we are with (or without), what we’ve done and how we’ve changed. . .and it makes me happy
Break has been awesome! i should be stuyding for the 3 exams i have in the next week or even the 3 exams in have in the week after that. But i really dont want to have to think about the 11 exams i have in the next three weeks. frankly i dont want to think about the next three weeks. i wouldnt mind thinking about dec 2 and 3 when i get to see Kim! or thinking about how awesome it will be three weeks and 2 days from now when all my exams are done. so in my procrastination ive checked my facebook account, my email . . .
randomness
people often tell me that i remind them of someone, most of the time the someone i remind them of is thinner than i am, i think i can see this as encouragement. . .
i was able to run consistent 10 minute miles this summer, and i realize for a runner this is slow, but for me it is an accomplishment. im much slower now, its a little sad, hopefuly ill get the time down again and the distance up. . .
. . .
so after running i sat and reflected and realized that i am really lucky
i wasnt necessarily productive over break with my diet or my school work or my running, or my reading; but i did have a great opportunity to spend significant time with significant people in my life so thanks you guys know who you are, you made my weekend, my week, and my weekend again! and i love you
this has been an update over the course of the day, kindof disjointed but if you know me, you understand
(i met a boy over break, that seems pretty great, id like to get to know him, but im not sure exactly how to go about it, also there are confidence issues, he’s older than me and attractive, and frankly that intimidates me lol)
so thats it i need to actually study now, i could stand to shower as well. . . o boy im not ready for this week, im not ready for these next 3 weeks, wish me luck and keep me in your prayers
those lyrics pretty much say it all, truth is, i might be oversensitive. i can extract joy out of the smallest, the most seemingly insignificant things . . . thats one of my gifts, we are surrounded by expressions of love if we only choose to recognize them. so sensitivity is a good thing right. i guesse, i wouldnt change it, but im unfortunately hypersensitive to negativity too, and therefore am sometimes very easily hurt, also hightly unconfrontational.
y this is a problem, im not usualy sure if me being hurt is a result of me being hypersensitivity or if its legitimaly something to confront head on. and when i figure it out i usualy dont confront it. . .now if its someone i love, its a different story, the unconfrotnationalness is prettymuch set completely aside its a little odd i know. . .
truth is ive been feeling a bit odd lately, ive been getting stressed and im honestly not sure of the source, im not happy with my weight, therefore my health (which is actually the bigger issue). i used to be able to run 4 miles as a regular work out. now im lucky to get 2 in at a time that is when i find the time to run 
, negative body image, is begining to degrade my self esteeme, which may actually be why im hypersensitive right now (because im probably trying to compensate for my self esteem by looking for affirmation. . .), the decrease in self esteem is leading to a feeling of insufficiency and thats just not fun
why this sucks, because i know i have talent, i know i have potential, ect, ect, ect. so i know its not true that i dont realy have much reason for feeling the way i feel
but i also know that ive let myself get to the point im at, and that makes me angry, and as ive mentioned above before, i realy dont deal well with negativity
well thats enough on that topic, just needed to get that out in a linear fashion so i can work on resolving it. .
