the only problem with knowing what you want, is that sometimes you don’t get it.
i often wish to be something i am not. . .
i seldom wish to be something i cannot become. . .
i find the distinction to be critical
my favorite part of a crush, the freefall before you realize you’re too far gone to save yourself, before you crash land. . . or who knows maybe for once, are caught
too soon to tell,
to soon to even know if i should classify it as a crush, but i am
to late to stop thinking about what i know about him (which isnt much but just so happens to be pretty great, especially the smile 
)
Filed under: sparatic thoughts
so it’s been awhile since ive updated, well last week was crazy i had 4 exams b4 spring break, and 3 of them were not blow off exams that u just cram for the night before, so basicaly i lived in the library last week, the weekend before however was awesome, carnival + saddleridge + hair cuts + dance parties = 
happy me!
so this is what i’ve decided:
Guys suck, and i can do one of two things about it. . .
1) get pissed off
2) get so busy that it doesn’t even matter
i choose 2
just thought id let u know
Filed under: sparatic thoughts
sometimes i dont understand why i bother with some of the things i bother with
people complicate things that should be simple, honest, ect
i overanalzyse and confuse stuff
ug
so this week has been pretty crazy, and right now i shohld be studying, in fact i should have studied yesterday, and ya should have also studied thursday afternoon. . .but i didn’t well i will today after this (hopefuly brief) update
so wednesday night was a corey heart night: we had a danceparty in our room, while wearing our sunglasses (at night) it was good fun!!!
thursday was the browns v steelers game, that night was good fun as well (probably a bit more fun for me than it was for the browns fans i was watching it with but hey it wasnt a shut out)
then yesterday. . . Mass was awesome and what a great way to start off the day, pearl of wisdome from the mass: have an attitude of gratitude!
also from the mass, we are all different, for some reason when i heard it (cause its not like i dont already know that) i was really comforted
then last night was happy hour with Nat and her roomate and their friends and well that turned into a happy evening lol, i love my sister, and spending time w/ her, i really cant wait till kate is 21 and we can all go out together, o gosh that will be intense
stuff i love about sisters:
*they notice when you reshape your brows lol, sounds silly but i reshaped my brows over break and no body really noticed, so ive been working on them a little since, and Nat noticed! (ya this makes me sound really vain, im aware, point is, nat notices when i invest time in things example, my brows)
* the love you for who you’ve been, who you are, and will love who you become (more importatnly they are instrumental in shaping that person)
ok but now i should really study or at least clean off my bed and desk so i can get into study mode. . .
those lyrics pretty much say it all, truth is, i might be oversensitive. i can extract joy out of the smallest, the most seemingly insignificant things . . . thats one of my gifts, we are surrounded by expressions of love if we only choose to recognize them. so sensitivity is a good thing right. i guesse, i wouldnt change it, but im unfortunately hypersensitive to negativity too, and therefore am sometimes very easily hurt, also hightly unconfrontational.
y this is a problem, im not usualy sure if me being hurt is a result of me being hypersensitivity or if its legitimaly something to confront head on. and when i figure it out i usualy dont confront it. . .now if its someone i love, its a different story, the unconfrotnationalness is prettymuch set completely aside its a little odd i know. . .
truth is ive been feeling a bit odd lately, ive been getting stressed and im honestly not sure of the source, im not happy with my weight, therefore my health (which is actually the bigger issue). i used to be able to run 4 miles as a regular work out. now im lucky to get 2 in at a time that is when i find the time to run 
, negative body image, is begining to degrade my self esteeme, which may actually be why im hypersensitive right now (because im probably trying to compensate for my self esteem by looking for affirmation. . .), the decrease in self esteem is leading to a feeling of insufficiency and thats just not fun
why this sucks, because i know i have talent, i know i have potential, ect, ect, ect. so i know its not true that i dont realy have much reason for feeling the way i feel
but i also know that ive let myself get to the point im at, and that makes me angry, and as ive mentioned above before, i realy dont deal well with negativity
well thats enough on that topic, just needed to get that out in a linear fashion so i can work on resolving it. .
